On rare occasions I read a book that blows the lid off my thinking about a specific topic. Giftology is that kind of book. It’s forever changed the way I approach gift-giving.

I’ve known for a long time how important it is to express appreciation to those who’ve impacted my life in a positive way – especially through hand-written notes and thoughtful gifts.

But in his outstanding book, Giftology, author John Ruhlin introduced me to several ideas that I’d never considered before.

These are life-changing concepts, not just in the TYPES of gifts I choose to give in the future but in the way I THINK about gift-giving.

Just one example: Think in terms of “RADICAL generosity.” 

Ask yourself, “What’s the MOST I can do?” instead of “What’s the LEAST I can get away with?” John doesn’t advocate breaking the bank, especially if you’re on a shoestring budget. But he does encourage you to always ask:

I started reflecting on gifts that I had received over the years that impressed and touched me…

One of our resellers who sent each person in my company a huge box of gift wrap, bows and ribbons for holidays, birthdays and other special occasions. It was truly a memorable gift that lasted for YEARS, so we thought of this person often.

Two of my favorite coaches, Steve Chandler and Jason Goldberg sent books and CDs to everyone who subscribed to their free Web TV show, The Not-So-Serious-Life.


Steve Chandler is also one of my favorite authors. I’ve reviewed many of his books on Amazon and promoted them in my social media accounts. In appreciation, his publisher Maurice Bassett has sent me complimentary copies of newly-published books, sometimes multiple copies!

For example, I received 20 copies of a special edition of The Velveteen Rabbit – I’ve shared these with parents with young children and donated others to our local library.

By far, the most astonishing gift I’ve ever received was from leadership expert Marshall Goldsmith.

In 2009 I created a video using PowerPoint and voiceover that illustrated how our product, 20/20 Insight, accomplished several of the recommendations in Marshall’s book, What Got You’re here Won’t Get You There. I emailed Marshall to let him know what I’d done and 10 minutes later he called me.

But that was not the big surprise.

He was so appreciative that I had done that, he offered to send me 100 copies of his book AND to personally address and autograph them if I sent the first names of the recipients. It was an astounding offer and one that many of our clients and resellers appreciate to this day.

In case you’d like to watch the video that sparked his phone call to me, I’ve included it here.
John Ruhlin’s ideas go beyond amazing your clients and customers.

John provides each member of his team with a remarkable gift – paying to having their homes cleaned every two weeks. They LOVE this benefit. It’s something they wouldn’t do for themselves, and the payoff for them and their families is less stress, with more quality time together doing activities they enjoy.

If you’re committed to building strong relationships that lead to referrals and raving fans, grab a copy of Giftology, devour John’s powerful message, then implement his ideas with the most important people in your life.

In his LinkedIn Riches course (which I highly recommend), John Nemo suggests you create a head-shot “About Me” video introducing yourself and place it at the bottom of your LinkedIn Summary section. It’s a terrific way for people to get to know you better because they can watch you describe the type of work you do, the audience you serve and what you offer.

When I heard about this idea, I thought it would be fairly straightforward. Boy, was I wrong!

I wholeheartedly agreed with his recommendation but kept putting it off. I had all kinds of excuses…It would be a hassle to set up the lighting, microphone and camera…I wasn’t sure what kind of message would resonate with my current and potential connections…I was concerned about how I’d come across.

All that thinking boils down to fear that the video (and therefore, I) would fall short of the ideal. Of course, this “ideal” was something that I had conjured up in my head and did not exist in reality.

My procrastination was a form of PERFECTIONISM.

For me perfectionism means having ridiculously high standards and being afraid to take action due to a fear of failure or criticism from others.

I realized that I was holding myself to standards that I would never think to impose on anyone else.

I finally took the plunge and made the commitment to get the video done immediately.

I like planning and structure, so I drafted a script that would serve as my guide. Unfortunately, I did not USE it as a guide. I actually tried to memorize the whole thing and practiced it numerous times to get the words and tone right. Not a good idea!

Day 1 - CHALLENGES

I enlisted my husband Lee to set up the lighting and use his camera to record the video. He is a mechanical genius, so that was smart teamwork.

When I did earlier headshot videos a few years ago, I recorded them by myself. I didn’t anticipate how self-conscious I’d feel with Lee standing behind the camera. I got distracted by thoughts of him evaluating me as I spoke (totally unfounded since I know how much he loves me) and forgot what I wanted to say next, so I had to stop and restart several times.

Another reason I stumbled over my lines was due to trying to recall and repeat the script verbatim instead of speaking from the heart.

Then we ran into technical challenges with the camera. No problem. Lee has a second one. Ha! We had issues with that one, too. That meant stopping so he could investigate the problems.

By the time he was ready, we were both mentally tired and decided to postpone the shoot until the next day.

Day 2 – SUCCESS!

The next morning I got up early so I could process the events of the previous day and figure out how to ensure a smooth recording this time.

Thinking and reflecting worked.

I had 3 insights that gave me just what I needed.

1. I realized I was taking this project WAY too seriously!

That was a huge ah-ha. When we’re in the middle of something we’ve deemed important, we tend to take ourselves very seriously – and expect the same from others.

I committed to having FUN so I could enjoy the preparation and recording process.

Big thanks to Jason Goldberg and Steve Chandler for their inspiration to take a more playful approach to everything in life with their writings and The-Not-So-Serious Life Web TV show!


2. I took a few minutes to visualize myself being relaxed and confident in my delivery.

I knew what I wanted to communicate. I just needed to calm down and remember that I was connecting with one person at a time, just like in a 1-1 conversation.

3. I gave up memorizing the script and simply outlined the key points I wanted to make.

This approach allowed me to focus on the natural flow of my words and allowed me to speak more smoothly.

I’m happy to report that I was able to record the video in the FIRST take that morning.

It’s now in my Summary section, and I’ve included it below in case you’d like to see how it turned out (3:19 minutes).

Leave a comment and let me know if you’ve ever had a project that you took too seriously and what you did to get past your fears to complete it.

I have never read a book like Jody Vehr's before.

Just Hit Send has a riveting story line and reads like one of those novels you can’t put down.

But it’s so much more.

Jody's writing style immediately captured my mind, heart and spirit…and held me captive throughout the entire book. This is the true story of a woman who faced incredible challenges and prevailed despite her raging inner critic and ongoing self-doubts.

It’s also a beautiful love story, showing how strong and emotionally healthy a union can be when both people work on their own growth in advance of meeting each other.

I loved Jody’s willingness to be vulnerable with the reader. She doesn’t hesitate to describe her dismay, shock, and angst as she reveals the details of her life’s journey. I could identify with many of her limiting thoughts and false beliefs. I believe they are universal, but I’d never before experienced anyone capturing them in such an emotionally compelling way.

I’m a huge fan of Steve Hardison’s work (his 2-hour video on TBOLITNFL.com is profound) and Steve Chandler’s books (including the one she references in her book, Time Warrior), so it was an unexpected bonus to discover the ways each of these coaches contributed to her transformation. In fact, Jody’s retelling of her phone conversations with Steve Hardison is worth the price of the book alone because he demonstrates love and service in action.

This is a wonderfully written book that has deeply touched my life and forever changed how I see myself and the world. If you’re seeking a spiritual transformation in your own life, I highly recommend you grab a copy of this book, absorb the wisdom in its pages and start living anew.

This sentence from the book describes what happened for me:

Even though it’s been more than 40 years ago, I can still clearly remember the day my parents dropped me off to start my college career. I had no idea what to expect. They had brought all six of us kids up with a strong moral compass, but I know I wasn’t prepared for all the challenges and choices I’d face in that first year and throughout my college life.

I had to feel my way through the process, and I made a lot of mistakes along the way. A lot. 

If only I’d had a manual…

Dennis Trittin’s book, What I Wish I Knew at 18, IS that manual. It’s the perfect book to prepare young adults for life after high school.

The idea for writing it was inspired by Dennis’ experience when it came time to send his own son off to college. He realized there were many things he wanted his son to know, and he made a detailed list, which evolved into the expanded text that became this book. You can feel his heart and hard-earned wisdom on every page.

Dennis takes a holistic approach, covering all aspects of life—developing yourself into a person of character, dedicating yourself to learning in both school and work, building strong interpersonal skills so you’re effective with everyone important to you, and investing time to the spiritual dimension.

This is the kind of book you’ll want to give as a gift to high school students and graduates alike because it’s filled with a powerful combination of principles and practical applications. There’s excellent advice on choosing a satisfying career, whether it’s right out of high school or after a two- or four-year degree.

Dennis includes specific steps and tips for college students on their own for the first time, such as developing positive study habits and preparing for tests and exams. And there’s not a job-seeker in the world who couldn’t benefit from Dennis’ advice on setting yourself apart during an interview and establishing yourself as a star employee who gets rave performance reviews. These chapters in the book are pure gold!

Dennis understands his audience, recognizing the need for short reflection activities. He’s built in “Take Five” exercises, which help readers think about how they can apply the key points at the end of each section.

And throughout, he makes the concepts both memorable and useful through personal stories. This is a book that can positively impact young people’s lives…for the rest of their lives.

And if you’re an adult who works with groups of high school students – such as a teacher or guidance counselor - check out the Study Guide for What I Wish I Knew at 18 that Dennis wrote with Arlyn Lawrence. It’s an excellent companion to the book, with exercises and supplementary material that help students internalize the lessons from the book.

Many managers fail to engage in one activity that could make a huge difference in the performance of their team members: COACHING

I had the opportunity to discuss WHY this happens and HOW to become an effective coach in a recent interview with Andy Paul on his excellent podcast, Accelerate!


Andy’s show covers topics like sales, leadership, management, training and coaching. Andy’s own work is focused on sales managers and salespeople, and he's written two excellent books that should be on the shelves of anyone in sales: Zero Time Selling and Amp Up Your Sales.

The topics we covered in our time together apply to any leaders and individuals interested in their own development.

I invite you to listen to this interview and learn:

• The difference between MANAGING and COACHING
• Why some managers avoid the coaching role
• How managers can become more effective coaches
• 5 questions a manager can ask when an employee makes a mistake or a salesperson loses a sale
• Why an attitude of SERVICE beats sales tactics in building a relationship
• How to use listening to stand out

 
After people have attended an outstanding training program, there’s often an afterglow of good feelings for the instruction they received. They’re eager and motivated to use what they learned. The assumption is that if the training is excellent, and the learners buy into the content, they’ll apply the skills back on the job.

But this isn’t what really happens. 

All too often people revert back to what they’ve always done. After years of doing things the old way, their brains are literally wired for that behavior, while the new skills haven’t yet had a chance to do that. So even though learners agreed with the new way, in the busy workplace they failed to make a conscious, consistent effort to apply it and the old work habits kicked in. The skills they learned about didn’t “stick.” This is why so many people get discouraged and give up trying, and the money invested in learning and development doesn’t transfer to improved performance on the job.

A recent conversation I had with an executive at a fast-growing start-up reveals why this happens. He told me that in his 34 years as a manager with a Fortune 500 company, there had never once been follow-up after the training programs he attended. He said that most of the training didn’t stick…with him or anyone else.

It takes lots of repetition to rewire the brain for a new skill, and a long-term reinforcement process is needed for people to accomplish this. Training is the essential first step, but it can only be the beginning. For quite a while afterwards, people will need reminders, encouragement, feedback and accountability so they continue to apply what they learned. In other words, they need COACHING.

Think about professional athletes in individual sports like golf and tennis. They continuously invest in coaches who show them ways to take their game to the next level. Then they apply what they learn over and over, getting feedback during practice and analyzing how to improve the next time. This ongoing process takes time, but with coaching it results in improved performance.

Coaching is also a key reason why 12-step programs and Weight Watchers have been so successful for decades. To achieve their goals, participants need to make changes to ingrained lifestyle habits. The support of a sponsor and other caring individuals helps them stay on track as they adopt new behavior patterns.

If it’s such a critical component in the formation of lasting, positive habits, why don’t more organizations make coaching an integral part of the learning experience?

Some companies do bring in external coaches for their executives, but it’s just not economically feasible to supply professional coaches for every person who attends training.

And it’s not necessary. What’s needed are a few people who care about the success of the learner and are willing to offer support coaching: reminding, giving feedback, encouraging, holding accountable. These are commonsense helping behaviors you’d want employees to use with each other anyway.

Who could play this kind of support coaching role? Coworkers. Colleagues. Other participants in feedback and learning programs. Course instructors. The person’s manager.

To make your training programs “stick,” consider how you could enlist support coaches for participants in your learning and development programs, so they get the follow-up they need to ingrain the new skills and improve their performance.

CLICK HERE to access 9 Support Coaching videos and an ebook as my gift to you. Learn how you can empower managers and employees alike to be support coaches and create a coaching culture in your organization.

Today I’m featuring a guest post from Henry Kimsey-House, co-author of a new, must-read book for every leader, Co-Active Leadership.

A few years ago, Karen and I went to a workshop down in Silicon Valley called “Slideology” put on by Duarte Creative Design. They have a simple and wonderful process for putting together a keynote presentation, or any other kind of presentation for that matter; it’s a compact “analog” system using sticky notes and story boards and it works pretty well at capturing and synthesizing your main ideas and mapping out your points and the emotional impacts you want to have.

I remember happily putting my post-its down in the boxes and building my story board up when it was time to break for lunch. Karen and I claimed a spot in the lunch area and settled down to our sandwich and chips when a guy came up to join us. He had hopped around Silicon Valley from tech giant to starting his own biz to tech giant to tech giant.

He asked us what we do and we told him we were into coaching, he asked “what like sports coaching?” and we steered him to the kind of coaching we do. We asked him what he does and he said he was a “strategist” for the company that he works in and that he was here to beef up his presentations and to make them more interesting and, dare I say it, entertaining. The more we talked the more interested he became in coaching and leadership and the more I began to muse on “Strategist”.

I started to realize that strategists and strategies fit into the same category that economists and economies fit into and that often things like budgets and plans fit into. They are all Fiction. I started to giggle a bit inside as I really started to realize that these folks who do these very “serious and real” things are really working from the same imagination that I work from when I create a design for a workshop or write a story or act in a play. They are imagining the future and putting it into graphs and charts and spreadsheets that look like they are real and that can create hope or despair, risk or safety, excitement or boredom depending on the strategy.

So if I am creating a strategy, which I am going to do later today, I must consider the following:

• Who am I taking care of and what do I want people to think and feel now and when I reach the endgame? 
• Do I try to do a “realistic” strategy or do I work on a “jump off the cliff” strategy? 
• Do I go for a “simple” strategy or a “complex” one? 
• What are the emotional elements that I am seeking when I create a strategy? 
• Am I looking for elements that please me or others in the present or are they ones that I think will work in the future? Or somehow both? 
• Am I looking for the strategy that will be “the easiest” for everyone concerned or am I looking for a strategy that my creative artist thinks is most likely to produce the desired impact and damn the costs and complexities? 

So many possibilities, all fiction, all completely made up and imagined.

We need to keep writing the story. We need to keep creating our universe AND we need to know that while we are busy making things up, making plans, creating strategies, developing budgets and economies, that the universe has its own story that it is making up too and that is going to guarantee many surprises to the story we are writing.

There will be many interesting twists and turns in the road that we made up being straight. We have to dance down that twisty road writing the new story as we dance and jump.

Henry Kimsey-House is the co-author of Co-Active Leadership and Co-Active Coaching. He is the co-founder of the Coaches Training Institute (CTI) where he currently serves as Lead Designer. Learn more about Henry's work or connect with him on Twitter: @henrykh

Steve Chandler’s Wealth Warrior has had a more profound impact on my attitude about money than anything else I’ve ever read.

I’ve now studied 7 of Steve’s books. They’re quick, easy reads because he uses a conversational style, and the chapters are short. But don’t be deceived by this simplicity. The points he makes are profound and potentially life-changing.

Steve tells stories about his own life that we can all relate to. He describes his flaws and perceived limitations so we can more easily recognize our own. He encourages us to challenge beliefs we cling to that have not served us – in fact, they’ve held us back.

His goal is to boldly serve those who follow his work. That means Steve’s not afraid to speak the truth, to rattle some cages. He wants to wake us up to what’s real, not our perception of what’s real. For example…


Wait, how can this be? Money is a very serious matter, right? If you don’t have enough of it, you can’t pay your bills. How can he possibly make this claim?

The incident he shared around this statement had a jarring effect on me. It opened my eyes for the first time in my life to the role that fun and playfulness can have when thinking about money.

Steve was about to enter a salary negotiation with his then-boss because he felt he was being paid far less than the value he was contributing to the company. He dreaded having the conversation because he was convinced the man was “an insecure, vicious miser” who would balk at his request. In his own mind, Steve felt justifiably worried about the man’s potential reaction.

Fortunately, he knew someone who understood the importance of having fun, a coach who did not see seriousness as a productive use of time or energy when it comes to producing wealth. Together they role-played exercises to prepare Steve for the meeting with his boss, and they were both laughing at the end of their time together. In fact, Steve reports that it was “one of the most fun encounters” in his life.

His dreaded meeting turned into a positive, friendly conversation where he received a very fair salary.

Steve felt the difference in his body and mind between having a serious attitude versus a playful attitude about money.

What about you? Is money a very somber subject for you?

Wealth Warrior is about so much more than getting past the fear and anxiety many of us have around money. Study and apply Steve Chandler’s insights, and you’ll be astounded at the transformations you experience in your thoughts and in your life.

Do you have  an ongoing conflict with someone in your professional or personal life?

If the tension and differences have been going on for a while, you’ve probably made a substantial list of things about that person you’d like to change. Maybe it’s their attitude or their approach, or certain words and actions they use. If they would just start doing X or stop doing Y, then your life would be so much happier.

What if there were something YOU could do that would dramatically improve the situation?

A profound book, The Anatomy of Peace by The Arbinger Institute, has the potential for that kind of positive impact, if you’re willing to look within, recognize your role in the conflict and change your mindset.

This statement from the book summarizes one of the core concepts:
“No conflict can be solved so long as all parties are convinced they are right. Solution is possible only when at least one party begins to consider how he might be wrong…The deepest way in which we are right or wrong is in our way of being toward others.”

Unlike many books about conflict that take a more academic, didactic approach, this one reads like an engaging novel, using fictitious characters in realistic situations to convey the key points and lessons. In this case, two facilitators at a treatment center lead a two-day workshop with parents whose teenage children have just been admitted.

Very likely, you’ll find it impossible to read this book without thinking about ways that you’ve contributed to difficult relationships you’ve had in your life - even if, up to this moment, you’ve held the firm belief that the other person was at fault.

You’ll learn about four common styles of justification—different types of “boxes” you can put yourself in when dealing with conflict. Within a given box, you have a particular set of feelings and a distinct way that you view Yourself, Others and the World.

For example, in the “Better-Than” box, you can feel impatient and disdainful as you view yourself as superior and virtuous while seeing others as inferior and irrelevant.

Each of the other boxes – I-Deserve, Need-to-Be-Seen-As, and Worse-Than – contain their own unique elements that prevent us from seeing the other as a person, where we care enough about them to want to help them succeed. Instead, we view them more as an object.

One of the facilitators relays a story about dropping some lettuce on the kitchen floor as he was making a sandwich. Instead of reaching down and picking it up, he kicked it under the counter with his toe. He later acknowledges that from his “Better-Than” box, he conveyed to his wife that he saw her “as just unimportant enough that she should be the one to have to worry about that kind of thing.”

He followed up with a question that all of us can consider when we commit our own version of this offense: “How would it be to live with someone who thought of you like that?”

Some of our behaviors are so ingrained – we are so firmly entrenched in our box – that we are blind to the impact that we have on others. The authors refer to this a having “a heart at war” where we feel the need to blame others (whether silently or verbally) while justifying our own attitudes and behaviors:
“When our hearts are at war, we tend to exaggerate others’ faults, that’s what we call horribilizing. We tend to exaggerate the differences between ourselves and those we are blaming…We also exaggerate the importance of anything that will justify us.”

The goal is to create a heart at peace, where we put a stop to violating our own sensibilities toward another person.

One of the best ways to make this shift and get outside the box is to invest time in answering a series of questions designed to help you relate differently to a specific person.

• What are this person’s challenges, burdens and pains?
• How am I adding to these?
• In what other ways have I neglected or mistreated this person?
• What could I do to HELP?

Answering these questions helps to break you free from your justifications and blame because you being to see the other as a person again.

And once you recognize what you need to do, then you have to take actions that build the relationship. It can take time to re-establish trust and respect. The effort will be worth it.

These same questions can be used to solve conflicts in larger groups – across families, communities and even nations.

If you’re interested in building the strongest relationships possible with the people who matter to you, read and apply the powerful wisdom of this book.

I just finished reading the last “time management” book I’ll ever need.

Actually, referring to Time Warrior by Steve Chandler as that kind of book is a misnomer. Because it’s so much more.

Chandler nails the culprits that prevent us from getting the most from each day, such as:

• A need to please and be liked by others 
• Self-doubts about our ability to get organized or accomplish our goals
• Wrong-headed belief that procrastination is a permanent character defect
• Lack of a strong purpose or mission
• Failure to simply get started on the first step of a project

The solutions Chandler outlines are simple yet brilliant, and they’re EASY to implement. A few examples…

BELIEFS

Chandler challenges the reader to consider that poor time management is always a problem of belief.  What thought are you believing about a specific task or project that makes you unwilling to even start?

If you’re not open to challenging the assumptions and beliefs you carry around, you’re more likely to continue suffering from procrastination. Unexamined self-doubt and fears can paralyze your mind and body.

FOCUS

We know it’s important to give our full attention to the task at hand, without interruptions or distractions. But I tend to think I need to move fast or speed up to get more done. Chandler advises relaxing and slowing down.

He illustrates with a powerful story of a coaching client who booked a $3,000 speech with a company and then started rushing around looking for new business in other organizations. Steve encouraged him to slow down and think about this one company, to consider other ways he could be of service. The man set up meetings with other executives in the organization and asked questions that uncovered additional needs. As a result of these interactions, he expanded his work to a full year with twenty times the original income. Just by slowing down and taking time to focus on this one client.

Also, achieving focus in your work requires boldness. You have to be willing to say “no” to anything that interferes with the objectives you've identified.

ACTION 

Chandler stresses that action is always the answer. And he makes it easy to get started by encouraging you to devote just three minutes to your task. This prevents you from finding reasons to put it off.

The more things you complete, the more energy you have. Procrastination drains your energy – you’re preoccupied with thinking instead of doing. You’re worrying and experiencing negative feelings related to the thing you don’t want to do. If you just jump in and finish one piece, your energy shifts.

Keep it creative and simple by asking, whenever you feel stuck: What needs to be done now in these three minutes?

PRESENT MOMENT

You only have NOW. Fear comes from living in the future in your mind.

Steve Chandler has often found that his clients’ greatest opportunities are right in front of them…in the very next conversation they’re about to have. But they will miss seeing it, much less take advantage of it, if they’re preoccupied pursuing their “better future.”

You can start fresh every day, creating the future you want now and commit to living it today.

Eliminate overwhelm by thinking about just the one thing you are working on at this moment.

No, I’m not talking about the determination and resolve you need when taking on a challenging project or trying to tough it out through a difficult time. That kind of grit is certainly required for anyone to succeed in life.

I’m referring to the acronym that Laurie Sudbrink created in her terrific book, Leading with GRIT. In this context, GRIT® stands for the four elements leading the way to success…Generosity, Respect, Integrity and Truth.

Laurie’s consulting work with clients has been influenced by Don Miguel Ruiz, author of The Four Agreements, which I summarized in an earlier post. In her book, she masterfully incorporates his teachings into her message, infusing them with her own style and adding her unique insights and applications.

As I read each chapter, I found myself nodding in agreement with the points Laurie made. Her style is conversational and engaging, so I was drawn in. I thought about how each of the four elements applied to me. For example, the chapter on Integrity helped me recognize ways that I get out of integrity with myself, when my actions are not aligned with my stated values or goals.

I love gaining a deeper understanding of my motivations, attitudes and beliefs. Laurie helped me do that through her stories, questions and models.

Laurie’s models were depicted with easy-to-understand diagrams. She reinforced them throughout the book, showing how to apply them in specific situations. This was very effective and prevented them from being vague concepts or principles.

For example…

The Accountability Ladder makes it easy to see if your attitudes and behavior fall into the bottom rungs of a “reactive, victim, powerless” mode or the top rungs where you are “proactive, responsible, and powerful.”

Also, at the end of each chapter, readers are asked: “What SHIFT will you make?” 
S – Scan the chapter for topics you resonate with.
H – Hone in on just one or two with the greatest potential for impact.
I – Imagine the positive impact.
F – Figure out your plan for staying on track.
T – Take action NOW.

Answering these questions is a valuable exercise for any book, article, video or podcast you’re consuming. How will you actually apply the ideas you’re acquiring? Knowledge alone is just the first step.

This book is not just for people in official leadership positions. It’s a great read for anyone who’s willing to take an honest look within and learn more effective ways to identify and align with your truth so you can act with integrity, show respect to others and adopt an attitude of generosity with everyone you encounter in life or at work.

“When we align to our truth, we are more confident in ourselves, our decisions, and the results. We have clarity and direction. We are more efficient in the things we do. We decide and act, without wasting time wondering or even regretting after we’ve made the decision.” – Laurie Sudbrink

Today I'm featuring a guest blog post by Quinn McDowell, a colleague whose passion for developing strong leaders, parents and young people matches my own.

Tim Duncan will go down as one of the 10 greatest NBA players of all time. He was a three-time NCAA Collegiate All American and Naismith Player of the Year at Wake Forest and then went on to become the No. 1 pick in the NBA Draft. Over the course of his 17-year NBA career, he has been selected to the All-Defensive Team 14 times and the All-NBA Team 14 times. Three times, he was awarded the NBA Finals MVP and twice the NBA Regular Season MVP.

Yet, for all his accomplishments, the lasting mark of his incredible 17-year NBA career will be his unique approach to leadership. Duncan’s decision to approach his leadership role with a servant’s mindset has played a huge role in the Spurs’ extended run of success. There are several key characteristics of servant leaders that raise the level of our teams and organizations.

Servant Leaders Are Flexible

Flexibility in a team context means that one person (player, coach, or parent) does not hold the organization hostage to their personal demands. Duncan could have easily vetoed trades for more talented players or demanded the Spurs play a certain style that was tailored to his preferences.

Instead, flexible leaders are able to objectively assess a situation and determine what is best for the entire group, not just their own well-being. Practically speaking, this could mean having to give up scoring a ton of points, sharing the spotlight with other talented players or being willing to admit that someone else might be able to provide a benefit for the team that you’re incapable of.

Servant Leaders Are Not Threatened by Others

To go back to the example of Tim Duncan and the Spurs, Duncan could have felt threatened by the arrival of Tony Parker and Manu Ginobli. He could have given into the urge to hold onto his power and declare that the Spurs were “his team” and no one else’s (and by all accounts he had every right to feel that way).

Instead, he gave away his power, which allowed Parker and Ginobli to realize their potential on the court. This is one huge reason why the Spurs have been difficult to beat for the last decade. The team is stronger than any individual, and even the great Michael Jordan didn’t win any championships until he figured this out.

Success on the basketball floor is dependent on a team of individuals learning to become a cohesive unit. This cohesion is only possible when everyone feels support from their teammates. If Manu and Parker never felt that Duncan wanted them to become great, their growth as players would have been stunted.

Servant Leaders Understand Their Value

From an outside perspective it might seem that by taking this approach servant leaders are working against themselves by lessening their influence or power within a team.

In reality, just the opposite is happening. The more leaders can empower others, the more invaluable they become. Your value as a leader is directly tied to how well you can help others raise their level of performance. The truly indispensable leaders on any team are the ones that give away their power, influence, and personal prestige for the good of the team. Those kinds of leaders are rare, but those kinds of leaders make a difference, and those kind of leaders become truly irreplaceable.

Quinn McDowell is a writer, trainer and professional athlete. He has played in the NBA D-League, Australia and Spain, following his four-year career at the College of William and Mary. He is the founder of AreteHoops.com and desires to see coaches and players succeed with excellence. He currently resides in Palencia, Spain, with his wife Lindsey.

A few years ago I got a phone call from a woman I’d connected with on Twitter. She had been following my blog and the blog of my business partner, Denny Coates, and said she was very impressed with our content. She said we were the kind of people she liked to connect with. Of course, I liked her immediately!

She proceeded to ask lots of questions about our focus and business, expressing genuine interest along the way.

Then she told me she wanted to introduce me to a couple of people she’d recently met on LinkedIn. True to her word, she followed up afterwards with emails to me and these individuals, explaining why she thought we should know each other.

She said she considered herself a “power connector” and took great joy in bringing people together.

After that initial conversation, she emailed me regularly, sending articles she thought I’d be interested in and recommending associations that could lead to some positive new contacts.

I was impressed. But then we lost touch for a while.

Fast forward to November 17, 2014, when she was the featured guest on my favorite podcast, I Love Marketing.

When I saw her name – JUDY ROBINETT – I made listening to that interview a top priority because I just knew it would be packed with valuable content. And it was.

Judy delivered a wealth of actionable ideas, and even the hosts, Joe Polish and Dean Jackson (master connectors themselves), were taking notes.

I clicked over to Amazon and ordered her book, How to Be a Power Connector: The 5+50+100 Rule for Turning Your Business Network into Profits, before the end of the interview. If she delivered this much useful information in just an hour, I was confident that much more awaited me in her book.

And I was right.

In fact, I was astonished at the comprehensive, yet simple, system she maps out in her book.

Even if you don’t aspire to be an over-the-top power connector like Judy, her book contains absolutely the best approach I’ve seen for helping you think strategically about forming alliances with others.

An often-repeated theme throughout the book is to adopt a “giver” mindset. She advises you to seek first how you can add value, value, value and more value to others before asking for anything.

She exemplified this approach in her initial call to me, and she’s continued refining the process ever since. In fact, her book reflects 25 years of practice and refinement. She has emerged as a true master of her system.

The core idea is 5+50+100. 

You make a list of all your current connections and then organize the top 155 into 3 power circles.

Top 5. Your innermost circle is composed of the individuals closest to you, usually close family, friends and business associates. These are people you’d trust your life with.

Key 50. These are friends and associates you can call on for help or advice—and they know they can do the same with you.

Vital 100. You want this group to be diverse, with a wide variety of locations and roles.

Judy provides all the details for preparing, connecting, engaging, providing value and deepening these relationships. She explains exactly how to build a robust network that’s deep, wide and diverse.

Throughout the book, she provides examples of how she has implemented her own system over the years. She has ingrained these skills to the point that she automatically looks for ways to connect people with others who can help them solve their most pressing problem or need.

No one operates in a vacuum. You need positive relationships to get things done, whether it’s running your own business, leading a team, or tackling a challenging project. Judy’s book teaches you how to achieve the kinds of meaningful relationships and connections that positively impact everyone involved.

When I was first put in a position of supervising others, I received no formal training in leadership. I had excelled as a teacher, and a natural progression was to move into an administrative position. I made a lot of mistakes as I tried to discover the best ways to motivate and empower people to give their best effort.

This is not unique to the field of education. Many outstanding individual performers – whether it’s in sales, engineering or accounting – are often promoted to supervisor or manager because of their technical expertise.

The problem is, in far too many cases, they aren't adequately prepared to lead others. They know how to complete the technical aspects of their work, but they have no clue how to help those now in their charge to become outstanding, too.

I wish I’d had Jeff Wolf’s new book, Seven Disciplines of a Leader: How to Help Your People, Team, and Organization Achieve Maximum Effectiveness when I got promoted.

There’s no shortage of books on the topic of leadership. But many are theoretical and don’t give specific “how-to” advice. You can learn about leadership, but you don’t get a clear roadmap for exactly what to do.

Seven Disciplines provides those kinds of specifics…and so much more.

Jeff Wolf’s advice is credible and practical because he draws from his own experience as a senior executive and his decades of work coaching hundreds of leaders in all kinds of industries. The client stories he shares throughout the book bring each of the 7 disciplines to life.

These disciplines as well 11 related practices can be developed and applied whether you’re a leader in the workplace, a volunteer organization, or a professional association. The skills carry over into effective parenting, too.

Jeff serves as your personal coach for leadership development. That’s because of the book’s structure. You can select a chapter that deals with a skill you want to develop. You’ll find out what to do and how to do it, with real-life examples. And then he guides you to take action steps through a “Takeaway” section.

He also tells you the truth about what’s required to actually change your behavior. With his Daily Discipline Activities, you schedule 30 minutes each day to focus and practice that one skill until it becomes a habit. Based on our company's experience with clients during the past 25 years, I believe his advice is spot-on.

“Practice 3: Understand the Value of Coaching” was a favorite chapter. Too often, what’s taught in training doesn’t “stick.” Even those companies that invest in leadership development programs typically overlook a key element for ensuring a lasting impact. They lack “a coaching component to reinforce the skills learned in these classes. Why is coaching so important? Because personal coaching not only changes the behavior of participants, but aids them in real-time on-the-job situations.”

Whether you’re a novice or veteran leader, you can use Seven Disciplines of a Leader as a blueprint for your development. If you follow the specific guidelines and complete the thought-provoking exercises, you’ll become more conscious of the behaviors required to inspire others to do their best work.

I’d arrived a few minutes at the beauty salon for my hair appointment. While I was waiting for my stylist to arrive, I couldn’t help overhearing the only other stylist who was there with a client.

“Sheila” was talking non-stop about a worker’s compensation situation involving her brother. He had been seriously injured on the job a year ago and had not worked since. Things were finally reaching a resolution, and Sheila was giving her client a blow-by-blow account of everything that had been taking place.

Soon my stylist “Beth” arrived, and we started having our own conversation when I sat down in her chair. But not for long.

Right after Sheila’s client left, she came into Beth’s area and started repeating the same story she’d just relayed to her client. I noticed that Beth gave minimal responses and after Sheila’s next appointment arrived, I found out why.

Beth told me that for the past year, Sheila has been obsessed with talking to everyone within earshot about this situation. It saddened me to discover that she’s so pre-occupied with this one challenge that she never attempts to actually engage others in a real conversation. It hasn't occur to her to stop talking about herself long enough to inquire what’s going on with her clients and coworkers.

We all face difficulties and challenges. That’s part of life.

We all need encouragement and support to get through the rough spots.

But even during those times, you can look for opportunities to connect with others in a meaningful way.

Because continually talking about you and your life pushes people away. No one will want to listen to you for long if you focus exclusively on yourself.

Instead, set aside your own pain or situation for a few minutes and ask questions about how they are doing. You’ll derive these benefits:

1. You show another human being you’re genuinely interested in their wellbeing. Learning about the ups and downs in their lives can help you put your own challenges in perspective.

2. When you shift your focus to someone else with the intention of really hearing what they have to say, you stop thinking about yourself and your own problems, at least temporarily. You’re more available mentally and emotionally to respond to the needs of another person.

3. You become more aware that the world does not revolve around you. You can start thinking of ways that you can be of service to others.

Do you have a “Sheila” in your life? Do you find yourself avoiding this person?

I know I do.

In my limited time on earth, I prefer to interact with individuals who are not self-absorbed, who do not talk incessantly about themselves and who want to learn what’s happening in the lives of those around them.

Encountering someone like Sheila reminds me how I do and do not want to be around others, because one of my goals is to contribute something of value with each interaction.

When you decide to make a change, you've taken an important step. Now you need to follow through on your commitment.

But there’s a problem.

As you begin this undertaking, you find that your old way of doing things kicks in more often than the new way. That’s because your brain is literally wired – it has physical connections – for the familiar pattern you’ve been using.

It’s like putting on a pair of old, comfortable shoes. Breaking in a new pair takes time and can be somewhat painful for a while.

When you want to change a habit, you have to move through this “Crunch Point” until the new, awkward way starts feeling natural.

Following a three-step process can facilitate the change process.

The first step is FOCUS. You may have several areas you could work on, but success comes from working on just ONE habit at a time and learning how to do it the right way. Trying to address several changes at once simply doesn't work.

After identifying what to work on and how to do it right, you’re ready to take the next step: ACTION. You apply what you learned. And not just once or twice. Dozens or even hundreds of times. It takes a lot of repetition and practice to rewire the brain circuit so the behavior becomes comfortable.

You can accelerate the rewiring process by using the third step, REFLECTION, to learn from your experience. Instead of simply repeating the behavior, you think about what happened. The lessons your take away will refine your skill. Each time you repeat the new behavior, you answer a series of five questions:

1. What happened?
2. Why did it happen that way?
3. What were the consequences?
4. What would you do differently in the future?
5. What are your next steps?

Completion of these three steps - Focus, Action and Reflection - is what we refer to as a “rep,” or repetition of the desired behavior. Learning what to do, then practicing the behavior in real life, followed by learning from the experience.


You repeat this cycle of focus, action and reflection many times until the behavior becomes automatic. It takes many reps to reach the ultimate goal…a new, established habit.

As with any skill, the key to ingraining it is practice, practice and more practice – a lot of repetition over time.

To keep you on track, enlist the help of an accountability coach who will make sure you follow through on your commitments and stay on track.

Do you know someone who’s trying to break a bad habit or form a new, positive one?

Think back to when you’ve attempted to make such a change. It’s not easy.

People will experience setbacks and failures as they work to adopt a new way that’s different from their familiar, comfortable pattern. Along the way, they’re likely to feel discouraged, frustrated, and disappointed with the lack of progress.

There’s a risk they’ll give up because the change sometimes feels too hard. They question if it’s worth the effort.

As a caring person, you’d probably like to help. But maybe you’re not sure what to do.

I can tell you from personal experience that offering advice, giving criticism or pointing out flaws – no matter how well-intentioned your motive – will not be welcomed or appreciated.

One of the best things you can do is become their “Support Coach.” And you don’t even have to get “certified” to serve in this role!

But you do have to know the kinds of things you can do that will be perceived as helpful...from their perspective.

A few surefire tips…

1 – Listen.

That’s right. Get the other person talking. What’s going well? What’s holding you back? 

Most people are absorbed in their own lives. Very few are interested in learning about the struggles of a fellow human being. You’ll stand out by just taking time to truly hear what’s going on in their head and heart.

2 – Encourage.

Offering encouragement starts with listening, and then builds on it. You affirm past successes and offer a balanced perspective. You ask what kind of support they’d like from you…and then you deliver.

3 – Guide learning from experience.

If we don’t learn from what happens to us, we’re likely to repeat the same mistakes going forward. Asking someone to think about what happened, why it happened that way, and what the consequences were draws out important insights that can be applied the next time.

There's additional value you add as a support coach, things that communicate you care about their progress as they’re working to make a change or deal with challenges.

My business partner of 24 years, Denny Coates, and I have created some new resources to show how you can become an effective support coach.

And they’re FREE!


Access 9 short videos and an ebook on Support Coaching.

Then apply what you learn.

The people who are trying so hard to make positive changes will appreciate the ways you show that you’re in their corner.

The principles in Napoleon Hill’s classic, Think and Grow Rich can certainly be applied to the accumulation of money.

But they also represent an outstanding roadmap for accomplishing any worthwhile achievements in your life.

Best-selling author Bob Proctor has studied and taught Hill’s 13 success principles for 40 years. The two habits he’s developed over the years are worth adopting:

1. Read a few lines from the book every day. No matter what challenge he faces in life, he’s found the solution inside the pages of this book.

2. Read the chapter on PERSISTENCE every day for 30 days at least twice a year.

Solid advice! Consider this wisdom from that chapter…

We don’t automatically have a “stick-to-it-no-matter-what” approach to difficult situations we encounter.

I know a young man who got part-time jobs during high school to earn spending money. But he quit each of them after a short period of time because they required actions that inconvenienced him. His parents bailed him out by giving him money and allowing him to break his commitments without consequence.

To form the habit of persistence, you have to decide that you’ll keep trying, no matter how uncomfortable the situation becomes.

Even when you don’t feel like taking the actions you committed to.

Especially when you don’t feel like taking them.

That’s why Hill refers to “forced repetition.”

You commit, and then you follow through. No matter what.

One of the enduring strengths of Hill’s writing is the specific guidance he provides for implementing each principle.

Here are the four things you need to have in order to develop the habit of persistence…

1. “A definite purpose backed by burning desire for its fulfillment.”
What drives and motivates you in life? When you know your
WHY and feel it to the core of your being, you will not let temporary setbacks and disappointments discourage you for long.

2. “A definite plan, expressed in continuous action.”
Vague ideas or wishes won’t inspire you to do the hard things on a regular basis. A clear vision of where you want to go and the steps required to get there can keep you on track.

3. “A mind closed tightly against all negative and discouraging influences, including negative suggestions of relatives, friends and acquaintances.”
If you’re determined to achieve something great, be prepared for criticism and unwanted advice. You need to develop a strong belief in yourself in order to withstand pressure from others who don’t share or agree with your goals.

4. “A friendly alliance with one or more persons who will encourage one to follow through with both plan and purpose.”
As much as possible, surround yourself with people who believe in you and sincerely want to see you succeed. They can encourage you when you encounter rough spots and help you stay focused on your goals.

Is there an area of your life where could you achieve greater success if you committed to making a sustained effort, no matter what?

Alex Tremble, author of The GPS Guide to Success

I am drawn to people who have an exciting vision and take bold action. I’m especially impressed with individuals who develop these behavior patterns at a young age.

Alex Tremble is such a person, and I’m privileged to know him.

We met on Twitter after he gave me positive feedback about one of my blog posts. Our 140-character exchanges led to phone conversations where I learned about his deep commitment to helping young people. His passion is to provide high school students, college students and young professionals with tools and opportunities that can help them succeed.

Following his own model for success led Alex to become the youngest U.S. Federal employee chosen to manage a Government-wide executive development program and receive an invitation to the 2013 White House Youth Summit. It’s also what drove him to start his own company, GPS Leadership Solutions, and write an ebook.

After reading The GPS Guide to Success: How to Navigate Life to Reach Your Personal and Career Goals, I was impressed with the life principles he’s internalized, and I realized why he’s achieved so much already in his life.

It’s because he’s living what he writes about.

Alex describes a simple three-step system (Goals-Plans-Strategies) for achieving your dreams.

These steps are presented in a clear, easy-to-follow format – important for his target audience.

One of my favorite chapters focuses on the benefits of figuring out the WHY of your goal. Too often we decide WHAT we want and then jump into figuring out HOW to get there.

But taking time to examine WHY you want to achieve your goal pays big dividends down the road. Because your WHY will continue to fuel your motivation and drive when the going gets tough.

The process Alex recommends you follow to get at your WHY involves drilling down to uncover your deepest reason. Here’s what you do:

1.  Identify your goal, the outcome you want to achieve.

2.  Ask yourself, “Why is that my goal?” and “Why is that important?”

3.  After you come up with your answers, ask the same two questions regarding the responses you just gave.

4.  Repeat until you cannot ask WHY anymore.

Alex explains that you've now “most likely identified your end destination.” 

I like to think of it as identifying one of your core values. You've figured out what truly feeds your spirit and gives meaning to your life.

With your Goal clearly tied to your WHY, creating the Plan and developing creative Strategies becomes easier. To stay on that path, Alex gives readers three career tips that are absolutely essential to their success in life and work:

• Self-Development 
• Find a Support Network
• Take Responsibility for Decisions

Anyone entering college or starting their career will find valuable information for navigating unfamiliar territory.

I look forward to seeing what great things Alex accomplishes in his life as he continues to implement his own GPS Guide to Success.

I’ve been on a path of self-development for as long as I can remember…always on the look-out for books, podcasts, videos and quotes that inspire me to become more effective as a human being.

The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz is a book that’s had a profound impact upon the way I view myself and everyone I encounter. It’s about adopting a code of conduct that results in a deeper sense of happiness and well-being.

Early in life, we adopt beliefs about ourselves and the world, based on what we’re taught. Those beliefs form a “Book of Law” that becomes our inner Judge, judging everyone and everything in our lives—including ourselves. Without a conscious awareness of this presence, we can allow this Judge to make us feel guilt and shame for no good reason.

It takes courage to challenge the rules and beliefs you've embraced your whole life because they’re so familiar. And you risk activating the Judge in others if you deviate from behaviors they've come to expect from you.

The book recommends adopting four “agreements” that empower you to break away from beliefs that don’t serve you well.

Incorporating these four patterns can eliminate the drama in your life—both the drama you create within yourself and the drama you allow others to create by the way you react to them.

1st Agreement – Be Impeccable with Your Word

When I first read this one, I thought, I've got this covered. I consider myself a person of high integrity and I tell the truth. 

But there’s much more to this agreement…

Being impeccable includes being “without sin” in the way you treat yourself. Blaming and judging yourself are forms of self-rejection, so it’s important to avoid using “your word” against yourself. How much energy do you dedicate to loving yourself?

I have to admit, I've had to make a conscious effort to keep my inner critic from running rampant. It’s always been easier for me to dwell on how I fell short, what I did or didn't do well, instead of treating myself in a loving way and giving myself credit for the positive things I did.

Another aspect of this agreement is what we say to others and about others. Do you convey respect and kindness in your interactions with loved ones and strangers alike?

When you allow your Judge to criticize others – whether verbally or just in your own mind – you create a negative ripple effect. What can you do to inject more positive energy into conversations?

2nd Agreement – Don’t Take Anything Personally

You take things personally when you interpret a person’s words or actions as being about you. Most often, their reaction is about where they are at that moment.

If you’re like me, you may find that you’re most sensitive to others’ words when you’re experiencing self-doubts. It’s easy to take offense and jump into defending your actions or trying to prove you're right.

By adopting this agreement, you avoid unnecessary suffering and angst. You avoid being hurt by what others say or do. You trust your ability to sort through what’s said and make responsible choices going forward.

3rd Agreement – Don’t Make Assumptions

The problem with making assumptions is that we often believe our assumptions are true without verifying their accuracy.

We tend to expect others to see things the way we do, and we experience all kinds of negative emotions like frustration, anger and resentment when they don’t.

The solution is to have the courage to ask questions when you’re not absolutely clear what someone else meant in what they said or did.

And be ready to ask for what you want. Others cannot read your mind, even though you might wish they would. Never assume that they should know!

4th Agreement – Always Do Your Best

This last agreement is what allows you to make the first three deeply ingrained habits, because it’s about taking action.

If you consistently put forth your best effort – whatever that may be at a given moment in time – you silence that inner Judge. There’s no opportunity for guilt, blame or regret because you know you gave it your best shot.

When you do your best because you want to do it – just for the pleasure you get from doing it – you’ll find that you experience genuine happiness.

And accept that you won’t be perfect in implementing the first three agreements. But if you consistently do your best to apply each one, eventually your old habits will grow weaker and the new habits will dominate your thinking and behavior.

As I read this book, I realized that our ProStar Coach system exactly aligns with the Four Agreements. Its purpose is to give people the resources to become stronger for the challenges they’ll face with the first three. And its structure provides the perfect set-up for taking action and practicing in order to make the behavior an ingrained habit.