My company had just completed a survey of our customers using our 20/20 Insight software, asking them to give us feedback about our product and our technical support staff. I was studying the results to identify areas we could improve the program and our service.

These two comments grabbed my attention.

“I hesitate to call because I don’t like the way Sue talks to me.”

"I avoid calling unless I’m desperate for help. Sue uses a condescending tone whenever I call.”

Since almost all the other ratings and comments were stellar, I was puzzled about these outliers.

I knew Sue to be a dependable, conscientious worker who promptly returned calls and knew our software inside and out. She was competent and courteous, based on my personal observations. What had happened to trigger this negative feedback?

That’s the question I posed to Sue when I met with her to discuss these comments. I showed her the report and waited for her to respond.

Her reaction was not what I expected. I thought she’d apologize and say she’d had a bad day or have some other reasonable explanation.

Instead, she nodded her head, sat back and looked at me with a smug smile.

“Oh yes, that’s accurate. There are times when a customer calls with a question that I've already explained to them multiple times in the past. So I use an irritated tone of voice on purpose. I want them to know I’m not happy that they’re asking me to go over the same procedure again.”

Oh. My. Gosh.

After I recovered from the shock of hearing her rationale, I spent time coaching her on the reasons why she could no longer take that approach. Like the importance of having customers delighted with their experience after they call us, not annoyed or upset. And how it makes someone feel when that tone of voice is used. And how not calling for help was the opposite of what we wanted.

To her credit, Sue “got” it, and we never received any other complaints like that again.

But I realized this sort of thing happens all the time in life.

People use a condescending or sarcastic tone of voice to make a point or teach a lesson. A parent wants to get his kid’s attention. A manager wants to set an employee straight and let her know who’s boss. Family, friends, coworkers – you can find examples everywhere.

But what the speakers of these messages don’t seem to realize is that NO ONE likes to be talked to this way. It’s demeaning and hurtful. It serves only to put the other person down.

If you’re ever tempted to speak to another human being in a patronizing way, stop and ask yourself: How would I feel if someone spoke to ME that way? 

Then think about what you could say instead that would preserve the other person’s dignity and still express your thoughts and feelings in a way that promotes a meaningful conversation.

You have the power to uplift another’s spirit…or crush it, depending on your choice of words and tone of voice. If you want to make a positive difference in the lives of those around you, choose kindness and tact every time.