But my principal didn’t want to reassign me to a different position. He was eager to keep me where I was because I was doing such a good job. So when he refused my request, I decided to apply for an opening that came up at another school.
I was actually serious about making the transfer, until I had an interview with that school’s principal. Although that meeting took place more than 30 years ago, I remember to this day the reason I withdrew my application.
It had to do with listening.
We met for close to an hour, and I think I spoke a total of five minutes during that time.
It was fascinating at first to hear him describe specifics about his school and the faculty. But then he began “holding forth” about himself and all the things he’d done.
At no time did he try to learn about my teaching style, my attitude towards children, or anything else that might have helped him make an informed decision about my suitability for the position.
Instead, at the end of our time together, he looked at me and said, “I think you’re the kind of person who’d fit right in here. The job is yours if you want it.”
I was flabbergasted.
He hadn’t spoken to my current principal, and he hadn’t asked me any questions.
I’ll never forget the thought that ran through my mind at that moment: How could you possibly know if I’d fit in? You haven’t made any effort to get to know me at all!
I politely told him I’d think about it and get back to him, but I already knew what my answer would be. His behavior during that interview foreshadowed what life would be like at that school. There was no way that I would work for someone who was so self-absorbed.
Since then, I’ve encountered scores of people – many of them in key leadership positions – who share this principal’s habit. They’re focused on talking about themselves and their accomplishments. They don’t seem to consider that those around them might have something meaningful to say. They don’t understand that, by listening, they can learn from others and validate their worth.
Today I consider this habit a measure of a person’s ego and self-awareness. The more you’re willing to let others have the floor and listen with genuine interest to what they're saying, the more comfortable you probably are in your own skin. And the less you feel the need to dominate discussions. You’re more likely to acquire important information and gain insights you didn’t have before.
A test to check how much you’re listening versus talking
When you’re in a conversation with others – whether individually or in a group – imagine that there’s a spotlight shining down on the person who is speaking. Consciously monitor the percentage of time the spotlight is focused on you compared to the others.
If you’re in the spotlight most of the time, it’s a good bet the people you’re talking to are experiencing a mix of frustration and disappointment. Like me in that interview, they’re probably wishing you’d stop talking long enough to take an interest in them.
Not only that, if you don’t listen, how will you know what your customer really wants? Or what a colleague thinks will work on a specific project? Or what your child needs from you right now?
In case you need further convincing, simply monitor your own reaction when you’re engaged in a conversation with someone who’s pre-occupied with delivering their own message and appears to have no interest in what you have to say. I predict your thoughts and feelings won’t be positive.
Whether you’re at home or at work, when you take time to let others do the talking and you focus exclusively on understanding them and making them feel understood, you will be utterly amazed at the transformation that takes place in your relationships.
Every human being has a deep need to be accepted and understood. If you fulfill that need, you’ll form an unbreakable bond that can last a lifetime.
"It is the individual who is not interested in his fellow men who has the greatest difficulties in life.” - Alfred Adler, Austrian psychiatrist (1870-1937)
Hi Meredith:
ReplyDeleteThis is a great story about the adverse impact of a non-listening leader. Thanks for sharing it. I thought you might be interested in a related post entitled "Leadership and the Power of Listening" http://www.n2growth.com/blog/the-power-of-listening
Mike,
ReplyDeleteI appreciate your comment and highly recommend that readers check out your blog post. It's excellent and addresses really important issues around the topic of listening as it relates to leaders.
I also learned something here today...
ReplyDeleteI'll be more careful with that spotlight from now on!
Thank you Meredith! Your thoughts and experiences are so rich!
Rgds
Daniel
Hi Meredith,
ReplyDeleteOne of my bosses would gather all of her minions around the conference room table for our monthly meetings, and proceed to do exactly what your interviewer did. So, we'd leave the meetings knowing quite a bit about her romantic adventures, though not having heard from one another, and with no guidance from her on how to proceed as a team. It was extraordinarily frustrating - though great fodder for "The Office".
Daniel, thank you for your positive feedback. I'm glad this helped you become more aware of the talk/listen spotlight!
ReplyDeleteLouise, what a profound example of poor leadership in action as it relates to this topic. Yes, sounds like something out of The Office, but when it happens in our own lives, it's not so funny. I appreciate your taking time to share your experience. It puts an exclamation point on my post.
I had a similar experience: interviewer (head of the company) went on and on and all I essentially told him was my level of education and how long I'd lived overseas for and that was it, he did ALL the talking.... an hour later he wrapped it up saying "I think we've got a good connection" It took all my might and power to keep a straight face and not burst out laughing! Of course he thought we had a connection, I did all the listening!
ReplyDeleteSome people just don't get it!
You said: "The more you’re willing to let others have the floor and listen with genuine interest to what they're saying, the more comfortable you probably are in your own skin. And the less you feel the need to dominate discussions."
ReplyDeleteAfter years of being in the presence from time to time of folks who seem to talk (predominately about themselves) almost in a stream-of-conscious way, I think that a lack of self-esteem, even though it manifests with an outward appearance of narcissism, is at the heart here.
My husband says of such people, "They don't listen because they are formulating what they plan to say next to try and impress you with how smart they are."
Sally, it's amazing how similar our experiences were! It's scary to think how many times this is repeated in different settings - and the negative ripple effect this type of behavior ultimately has.
ReplyDeleteBeth, thank you for sharing that insightful comment. I agree 100% with your observation. People with the highest self-esteem do not have a need to prove anything to anyone else. When you achieve that level of self-acceptance, you recognize that you don't have to prove anything to anyone else. You've already gotten the approval of the person who counts most.
hi Meredith...
ReplyDeleteI'm really touched by your analysis on this area. It really opened my eyes to certain facts in which i have been unmindful. The spotlight scenario is something am going to try and use effectively. Your post has really opened my eyes and am faced with the question of whether i am a great listener as well as a talker.
I quite agree that i have to improve in my listening qualities.
Thank you so much for this post.s on this area. It really opened my eyes to certain facts in which i have been unmindful. The spotlight scenario is something am going to try and use effectively. Your post has really opened my eyes and am faced with the question of whether i am a great listener as well as a talker.
I quite agree that i have to improve in my listening qualities.
Thank you so much for this post.
Taiwo, so glad you found this helpful!
ReplyDeleteThanks for your insights and an excellent example. I plan to share this story with my mother-in-law in the hopes that she may get the hint. :-)
ReplyDelete